It has long fascinated me how many Eastern religions and philosophies talk of the inner sanctum of mind, the universe within that is as vast and expansive as the one outside. Seemed pretty alien, to be honest - I guess that’s because I spent most of my youth building a protective mask around it due to a mirrored sense of “not-enoughness”. My weird wasn’t the flavour of the month (or year, or decade) for the majority of my peers.
And now, that’s something I’m okay with. But for most of my life it was a shame that I carried so deep within that I had made myself believe that it wasn’t there. Which is wild, in retrospect. It’s also a challenging thing to admit to the internet, that’s for sure. I suspect that a lot of you have carried something similar, or maybe even still do. And a lesson I’ve been learning through pure mistakes is how heavy shame sits, how low a vibration it renders and how airing it is the only cure.
Self-Shame and Systemic Suppression
The Hidden Cost of the Palace
My palace of imperviousness was literally my favourite place on Earth for probably two decades of my life. Perhaps longer, it’s hard to define exactly. With walls of towering granite, arches and buttresses to hide many an archer and crossbowman and catapults and trebuchets for days, in my head it looked a little something like this place that some of you may recognise…
*Recognise that particular castle above, anyone? *
7 sets of walls, excessive you may think. And you’d arguably be right. But try telling that to lil Sam - he wouldn’t have had a bar of it! He definitely would’ve mistrusted your suggestion to have “faith in the goodness of people” or any of that bs. Yeah nah, as the Aussies would say… “Nice try, but you’re not going to trick me with that ‘trusting’ scam!” And I’d walk away whistling, pretending to myself (and believing it) that all was good in the world.
Yet something was missing. And I could never quite put my finger on what it was, but some part of me knew it was there. I just wasn’t listening.
And over time, I think I just gaslit myself into believing that I was complete, whole, enough, just as I am, despite all the evidence the world had given me to the contrary. And in that palace, it was so easy for me to deflect, defend and deny any ownership and accountability for my failures. Because failure was indistinguishable from death in my eyes. It was identity collapse. Free to roam the Earth, but trapped in a psychological prison of my own making.
Shame’s Sneaky Sister - Suppression (and Repression)
“In psychology, both suppression and repression involve managing unwanted thoughts or feelings, but they differ in whether the process is conscious or not. Repression is an unconscious process where unacceptable or painful thoughts, feelings or memories are blocked from conscious awareness. Suppression, on the other hand, is a conscious and deliberate effort to push away or ignore those same things.”
When you hold back feelings actively, it’s known as suppression. It’s actually a fairly healthy thing to be able to do, at least in certain situations. If you’re in a war, a salary negotiation or a job interview, you wanna be able to keep your cool. Letting the feelings overwhelm you would be a no-go, especially if it may mean somebody dies. “I’m going to consciously choose not to obsess over this stressful work thing, so I can enjoy my evening with my wife and kids” - if you prefer a more vanilla example, there you have it.
Suppression can also be a pretty unhealthy tactic, especially if maintained over the long-term. It can cause tension in your body, anxiety, depression and other stress-related issues in your mind. Because your emotions are part of you, inseparable from the greater whole. They’re a signal of something. And signals can only be ignored for so long.
And typically, if overly adopted when young, conscious suppression can very easily lead the neuroplastic brain to unconscious repression - the defence mechanism has become so ingrained that it operates outside of conscious awareness. What a powerful tool that is. And what a terrible one at the same time.
Another One Bites the Dust
The World, as Mirror
The day I finally realised what a prison my palace had become was actually pretty recently. The first time it really crossed into my consciousness was last year, after a number of gut punches that I didn’t feel I could handle. A relationship breakdown, a failing business, a lack of purpose and prospects and a general malaise-filled directionless-ness. And how did I respond?
A sense of mania, throwing myself into a “new business venture” with reckless abandon (that led to some pretty awful decisions that cost me in more than one way), substance abuse patterns, further disconnect from my support network and from reality in general. Healthy, Sam...
The world paints a stark mirror at times, and your only obligation is to make the choice whether or not you look at the feedback that it gives you. I was so focused on the other side of the street that my own sat derelict, wanting nothing more than some care and attention. To look inwards, you have to turn your gaze away from everything outside. Funny that!
And when I finally did choose to look, after years of resistance and deflection, what I saw was what I suspect many of us carry - a frightened child playing grown-up, making others responsible for the closeness we crave while performing who we think we should be.
Disarming and Dismantling (Handled with Care)
A lot of authenticity was tied up into the representative. Otherwise it wouldn’t have been maintainable. A good friend put me through an EQ test earlier this year, something he does as a contractor as a side-gig. On going through the test results with me, he kept switching between coach and friend hats. A couple of the results caught him particularly by surprise.
He revealed into my consciousness that day the idea of empathy that was performative, targeted. Artificial. And how emotional blockers can both protect us from pain and isolate us from connection.
But how do you safely dismantle what a terrified and alone child built for survival? How do you honour the necessity of that protection, whilst consciously choosing something different continuously?
That is a skill I’m still developing actively. The mirror gets shoved in front of all of us eventually, and in hindsight I’m so grateful that it was. And ashamed of how much it took. At least I can air that shame already.
It started with a few small steps:
Letting my messiness be seen by those close to me.
Owning my failings in real time (this one’s still hard for me to do, and often regresses…)
Posting something imperfect online.
Recognising the the chronic left shoulder tension I’ve carried basically all my life is probably telling me something about my internal world, and turning my senses inwards to find it.
Starting to accept all the parts of me, as they are.
What walls did your younger self build? What would it look like to honour their necessity whilst also choosing differently in the now?