Yesterday, I confessed quite openly to my failed attempts at starting a blog. And no wonder why they failed - I was in it for the wrong reasons. Wanting to be a voice of realness and depth amidst the cacophony of soulless, superficial slop that fills up the internet, yet being internally (and unconsciously) driven by the desires for success, fame and status. What an interesting combination that is for a “young philosopher poet” as I egotistically would refer to myself. Cute.
Failure-Proofing
A Walled Garden
What I didn’t share, however, is how many other “failures” I have to my name. Strap in, ‘cause there’s a fair few. But here’s where the story gets interesting, because when I look back in the rear-view mirror, these self-proclaimed failures have taught me something that completely changed how I see setbacks…
For years, I had a foolproof system for dealing with these failures: I'd build elaborate psychological fortresses to explain them away. The market wasn't ready. The timing was wrong. Other people didn't understand my vision. I’d done everything I could, it was just the wrong place, the wrong time, the wrong message… I became a master at deflecting accountability, which meant I never had to sit with the discomfort of actually learning from what went wrong. The castle in my head looked a little something like this:
Failures 101
Let me walk you through a few of my greatest hits and show you what I mean... See if any of them resonate with you.
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I bombed out of the Navy pretty glamorously.
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During that time, I blamed the Navy for pretty much every failing in my life, including cheating on my partner Liv (sorry!) whilst I was overseas on deployment, then ghosting her out when I returned back to civilisation.
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I was also a pretty shitty partner to my most recent ex, Kristy, all out of my own laziness and comfort. But then when she had the balls to tell me it wasn’t working, I had the cheek to blame her for it.
There are just 3 notable examples, from the recent and more distant past. And all because I didn’t have the internal courage or stability to face up to my own more shadowy emotions. Not ideal really.
But here's what I've realised now, looking back with clearer eyes.
Thank you, Steven Bartlett, for this wonderful line above. It’s changed my life to look at this first through a business sense, because that was a framing that my overly-analytical mind could wrestle with and comprehend in its own time, far enough away from the minefield that was my emotional landscape for me to digest and internalise.
The more I digested that, the more it chipped away at me from the inside. Combined with other unravellings in my personal and professional life, eventually the question occurred to me:
Lao Tzu famously said once, “When the student is ready, the teacher appears.”. If we extrapolate that thought process out a little, the teacher may well be appearing constantly. But the unreceptive student will never learn the necessary lesson. The teacher could be full-on slapping you around the face, and you have your fingers in your ears and are whistling.
That was me for 20+ years. No more.
Failing Forward
Human Error and the Myth of Failure
Let’s be real for a second. We. All. Fuck. Up.
What separates the men from the boys (or the women from the girls, I’m an equal opportunities discriminator) is how able they are to own their shit and to move forward unencumbered. Because usually, that kind of person learns the lesson the first time around, changes the behaviour, finds a different career industry or role and continues on their merry way.
If I were to cast my eye back, it’s easy to see from where I sit today what the above three failures were trying to teach me. But the journey was gruelling, and has left far too much collateral by the wayside over the years to say it has been worth it. I wish I could have learned these lessons sooner. But such is life!
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The Navy - was just a poor fit for me. Square peg, round hole. Traditional uniformed service, deep traditions, not the place for a neurodivergent enthusiastic autist.
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Liv - the fact that one pillar of your life is collapsing around your ears is not an excuse to be a dick to someone you claim to love, and they should be the person you feel most able to be vulnerable with. It was cowardly not to see it that way.
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Kristy - much the same as above. I blamed you for things that were my fault, and for that I will be eternally sorry. I hope you can forgive me, one day.
None of those things could I take responsibility for at the time, at least for the trash that was on my side of the street. There has been a part of me that’s been running away from those failings, emotionally or spiritually, for a long time. All in the name of “preserving my image”? Get f*cked.
From Abandonment to Graduation
The words we use to describe our experiences literally shape how we see them. And I've been using the wrong words for decades.
When I say I "abandoned" my blog attempts, I'm implying I quit prematurely - that I should have stuck with it, pushed through, shown more grit. The word "abandonment" carries shame. It suggests incompletion, weakness, giving up when things got hard.
But what if I didn't abandon anything? What if I graduated?
Think about it: I learned that starting a blog for ego-driven reasons doesn't work. Lesson complete. Degree awarded. Time to move on to the next classroom.
The Navy? I didn't "fail out" - I graduated from learning that square pegs don't belong in round holes, no matter how hard you hammer them. I learned what environments drain my soul versus what fills it. Graduation ceremony complete.
Those relationships? I graduated from learning that when your world is falling apart, that's exactly when the people you love need you to be most vulnerable and present, not most defensive and absent.
Here's the thing though - we can complete a situation without completing the lesson. Tick box, move on, carry on, life is good. Everything is awesome! Know what I mean? Maybe not. Maybe you’re more emotionally evolved than I was…
And we can also complete a lesson without completing the situation. The external outcome doesn't determine whether learning happened. Sometimes the most important education comes from recognising when it's time to move on, change course or start afresh.
What looks like abandonment is often just graduation day, arriving earlier than we expected.
What "failure" in your life might actually be a lesson you've already graduated from?
Or better yet, one you're still holding on to long past its due date - one you need to give yourself permission to finally graduate from?
Hit me up with thoughts, feelings, criticism - I’m open to it all.
Sam.
P.S.